2. Weakness and Failure

During the reformation in prison, there was one movement after another when people were asked to accuse each other. This was regarded as performing meritorious services to atone for one's crimes. In one movement, I was exposed because I violated the jail regulation by giving clothes and food secretly to other inmates. Every day I was seized to be criticized by the committee of the general meeting. They asked me to dig out my root of motivation and purpose, and they forced me to write reports unceasingly. During day time, I was brought to the labor sites in handcuffs and fetters; then I was released from the chains to labor. When I returned to the cell, I was put in chains again. At that time, they locked me alone in a little dark cell. I slept on the concrete floor which was covered with hay. The Lord indeed had mercy on His suffering children. He showed me that I could easily get out from the instrument of torture because my hands and feet are extremely small. Therefore, every night I could sleep comfortably. As soon as the day broke, when I heard the sound of people, I would put on the instruments of torture quickly and go out with them to labor. The grace of the Lord was sufficient even when the storm and wave blew against me. I had never felt that I could endure it. His gracious hand supported me. However, it was a pity that I only knew to endure passively. I did not pray watchfully by grace nor did I grasp the Lord forcefully. So my heart and spirit grew faint. Every day after we returned from laboring, at the blow of the whistle, every squadron gathered to yell at me ferociously as lions. Gradually, I was weakened. I had a thought that Peter was a big man who followed the Lord in person for many years, and he even denied knowing the Lord three times. I was nothing but a weak woman, how could I undertake such torture? Why did I not follow the example of Peter and pretend that I did not know the Lord? This little mistake in my mind caused me to fall. The Scriptures had clearly told me: "Do not imitate what is evil but what is good." However, I had completely forgotten about it. I followed my own thought and became a defeated Heavenly soldier light-mindedly.